How To Get the Most Out of Therapy
People often approach therapy with the wrong idea of what it will do. Often, people see therapy as something that will make them feel better, take away their anxiety or depression or addiction, or make relationships better. Sometimes, when people come to therapy, it’s because someone in their life has told them that they have to (a loved one, the court, probation, etc.) and is hoping that therapy will fix them. But therapy isn’t like surgery – it doesn’t make someone change.
A therapist can’t change someone
When a person has surgery, the surgeon literally changes something in a person’s body. A therapist can’t make that kind of change. A therapist can only suggest change and then it’s up to the patient to decide if they’re going to do it. It’s like the old joke: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: only one – but the light bulb has to really want to change.
So if a therapist can’t change somebody, what can a therapist do? A therapist can present a perspective that, if considered, can support the changes that someone wants to make in themselves. What often keeps people stuck is a lack of perspective. You don’t know what you don’t know. But someone who has a perspective that you perhaps haven’t considered yet can help you know what you need to know in order to move forward. Here are some things to keep in mind as you do that.
A therapist doesn’t have the one piece of advice that would change everything
Therapy also doesn’t provide the perfect advice that changes everything for someone. The uniqueness of each person’s current situation and the past experiences that have led them to this point are so nuanced that, to the chagrin of many, there is no one “key” that opens the door to solving the problem.
What therapy can do is that it can provide information about the person’s problems in order to help the person understand it. And the first step to solving a problem is understanding what the problem is so that an effective solution can be found.
A therapist can’t force someone to have insight
Therapy also doesn’t get someone to see things that they don’t want to see. If someone doesn’t want to see how they are contributing to their marital problems, how their alcohol or other drug addiction is affecting them, or how their lack of involvement in their own life is leading to dissatisfaction, then no amount of therapy is going to change that.
What therapy can do is that it can provide some accountability for someone who is willing to attempt to make changes – and sometimes an honest attempt is enough to create the perspective someone needs in order to see the benefit of change.
A therapist can’t eradicate symptoms
A therapist also cannot make someone’s undesirable symptoms or problems go away completely. That isn’t how life works. Everyone struggles with symptoms or character traits that they don’t like. The goal isn’t to eliminate those things but, rather to learn how to manage them.
What therapy can do for undesirable symptoms like anxiety, depression, anger, stress, sleep problems, relationship issues, lack of purpose, trauma, substance use, or any other problems encountered is that therapy can teach a person how to manage the symptoms and live a life without the symptoms inhibiting functioning or ability to achieve goals.
In a nutshell, therapy doesn’t fix things, and it never “works” – because it’s not designed to “work” – it’s designed to a support a person who wants to work.
With that said, here are some things you can do in order to get the most out of therapy.
How to get the most out of therapy
Approach every session with a curiosity about yourself and questions about how you can be better.
Curiosity begs us to ask what, why, who, when, where, and how to get at the deeper stuff. Deep questions don’t scare curious people. If you are open to exploring who you are, how you got to be the way you are, and what you can do to be better, you will do well in therapy.
Consider what character traits you want to work on.
Therapy is the best place to admit that you have things to work on. Come to each session with something that has been bothering you, something that you noticed about yourself, or something that you want to improve upon.
See therapy as an opportunity to manage your mental health before challenges come.
When you are emotionally healthy, you’ll be prepared to manage anything that comes your way. Not having a solid foundation of mental health can lead to poor decisions during tough times.
Bring a topic that piqued your curiosity during the week so that you can hear another person’s perspective and expand your mind.
Processing with your therapist through current events, relationship snags, or other issues that become relevant to you each week can provide new ways of seeing things and improved mental flexibility.
Be honest and vulnerable.
Therapy is a safe place, and you can’t grow if you don’t stretch. Invite topics that may be uncomfortable such as your childhood, difficult relationships, past mistakes, areas of weakness, disappointments, etc.
Ask for insight and perspective into your life.
Invite feedback about what needs to get worked on. When you are open to what others have to say, you can make positive changes.
Take notes.
You likely won’t remember things that were talked about during your session, so take notes on insights you get or action you want to take or things you want to reflect on based on what was discussed during your session. Taking notes is a way of being an active participant in your own progress.
Do homework.
Some of the progress that happens in therapy happens in between sessions. If you are assigned homework, be sure to spend time really thinking about it. Changes happen in the way you think when you make the effort to think differently. And the way you think affects how you feel and how you act.
Don’t put up a front.
Therapy is the best place to not have to get defensive or act like you’ve got it all together or you have it all figured out. No one has it all figured out. And the only way to get something out of therapy is to let your guard down and not try to act like you’re fine.
Be self-motivated.
Your therapist isn’t going to work harder on your life than you do. To get the most out of therapy, put in the work to better yourself.
Don’t expect to make progress until you do all of the above.
A therapist can’t fix you, change you, or make you want to get better. If you go to therapy and it “doesn’t work” then you didn’t do the work. If you want therapy to make a difference in your life, you have to put in the work. Be honest, be motivated, be open.
Other tips for success:
Arrive on time for appointments, a set amount of time is reserved for your session
Attend sessions as scheduled to optimize your treatment and recovery
Make your appointments a priority, only cancel for an emergency such as illness
A missed appointment can snowball into many. Some people give up when they do not see results of hit and miss therapy
Do not give up even if therapy becomes painful or frustrating, talk with your counselor about it
Schedule appointments only as often as needed to achieve your treatment goals
Consider affordability in determining the frequency of your appointments
Plan ahead so work, other appointments, transportation, or childcare don’t get in the way of attending your appointments
Complete any homework assigned
Practice what you’ve learned between sessions
Review your treatment goals occasionally
Take medication as prescribed
Avoid alcohol and drug use during treatment, especially if you are depressed, taking medication, or being treated for alcohol or drug abuse
Attend community support groups for additional support
Inform your therapist of other healthcare services you are receiving
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